not broken just bent

i have done my best, i had studied very hard and done my utmost for the diploma, now i let Allah do the rest. people keep asking me why, i just told them it's Allah plan. He setting me right. tahu tak, aku rasa aku termasuk dalam orang2 yang beruntung sebab Dia uji aku dengan ujian ni. kemungkinan kalau tak diuji macam ni, mungkin aku makin sombong, siapa tahu kan. bukan aku nak berlagak dengan rasa i'm feel so blessed, tapi cuba nak positifkan diri supaya hanya fikirkan yang baik2, lebih2 lagi tentang Dia, Dia nak aku kembali, kembali pada fitrah. bersangka baiklah dengan Dia. actually, aku ni seorang yang jenis nak defend diri aku daripada sakitnya sebuah sangkaan so aku lebih berfikir negatif, ye aku pelik tapi that's me. dah lama aku hidup dengan cara ni, tapi sekarang Allah nak 'tunjukkan' yang berpemikiran negatif tu slow2 merosakkan dalaman aku, sebab jiwa dipenuhi dengan negativity. and being positive is indeed amazed me! kekuatan tu ada pada setiap masalah, cuma kita yang perlu 'buka mata' supaya nampak yang setiap sesuatu tu ada kebaikan, kekuatan yang terselit. tengok semua yang terjadi dari sudut yang positif, dan kita tak kan menyalahkan takdir. mungkin juga ni jawapan kepada semua doa aku. Dia tak bagi dari cara yang aku mahu, tapi Dia bagi apa yang aku perlukan melalui caraNya. so kat sini, positif lah even masalah mengelilingi dan mencekik anda.

off topic kejap, 2014 kelmarin nak pasang braces tapi terpaksa hold dulu sebab gum problem and ada 1 gigi aku ni kena buat root treatment, doc kata kena buat tapi tak nak buat takpe sebab dia dah tampal tapi akan mengundang masalah suatu hari nanti. tapi aku terlampau lampau takut nak buat root treatment tu, aku tanya doc tu sakit tak? lethal tak? what if saya mati masa operation? sakit tu akan berpanjangan selama berapa hari? saya boleh makan lagi tak? (banyak lagi soalan out of sense) percayalah yang aku pun tak percaya aku tanya soalan bodoh hahaha *nangis*, doc tu punyalah gelak sampai berhenti kejap untuk tarik nafas. dia cakap sebelum treatment tu, patient tu akan dibius dulu. tapi aku tak boleh la, aku takut benda2 yang berkaitan gigi sebab rasa imminent danger tu. memang dari zaman tadika lagi aku dah lari dari doc gigi, takut nau nak buat check up gigi. padahal check up je pun tapi phobia laaaaaa *defend diri* hahaha now bila gigi dah tak comel molek mula lah menyesal tak sudah. patutnya aku dah pasang braces masa sekolah lagi tapi masa tu pun takut melampau, bila sampai klinik gigi tu automatik perut rasa macam ada rama2 mengamuk, muka pun pucat je, pernah jugak masa sebelum spm, aku teman kawan aku pergi klinik gigi, sampai depan pintu tu lutut mengeletar, jalan pun slow motion je lepastu kawan aku tu tegur apesal muka pucat semacam. gila nak bagitahu dia, kemungkinan kalau balik asrama mesti kena menganjing habis-habisan, so aku action la macam takde apa2. even cerita ni takde kena mengena dengan initial story tapi bagi aku, yes cerita yang kedua ni pun ada pengajaran yang maybe aku seorang je yang paham. taught me to be dauntless, sebab ketakutan tu hanya menyebabkan kita terlepas peluang dan we kneel to our own weakness. tunduk pada kelemahan. at last kita juga yang rugi. so unleash your valor/bravery/courage and beat it up!

adjourned.

i am alive

Assalamualaikum

whoever out there who facing whatever problem which seems so stale and can't be solved, please remember that the test are meant to be a blessing in disguise. when He says no to something, He says yes to something even greater. i don't even know how my life could turn to be like this. tak pernah terbayang yang dengan keputusan kemasukan uni yg aku dapat tu boleh buat my world in topsy turvy. sejujurnya, aku menangis for almost a week. and i've been questioning myself tak pandai sangat ke aku ni, aku tak layak ke, kenapa aku bla...bla...bla...macam tak percaya dengan takdir and jalan hidup aku sendiri. and bayangkan how devastated i was bila my bestfriends yang bertiga lagi tu dapat degree in law unisza jugak, they will be a classmate. i was like what the fish is going on? sedih gila tuhan je tahu, rasa pointless je hidup aku that moment and somehow i had isolated myself from everyone else. one night, i lay on my bed, not intended to sleep yet, just staring pointlessly at the ceiling, wonder what the whole world might do. drowned deep into my imagination, then something, a thought just hit me abruptly, kind of whisper that whispering me a motivation, for me to wake up and see everything in the best way that they should be. for me to have a faith towards Allah, for his plan over me is the greatest plan. He loves me and i am strong enough so that He knows that i'm capable to go through this. i felt that i have that strength to head up facing entirely a new day ahead. that mystical amuse which i felt that "nahhh, why should i cry over spilled milk?". my eyes teary, not over the sadness that i felt entire week, but because i have let myself not believing in Allah, not putting 100% of confidence towards His planning and capability of. my biggest regret i ought to admit. i don't know how to explain all of this but i know, He is setting everything right. i need to be cool and relax. apart from that, He helps me all this while through another method, speaking of which, He channeling His help towards someone else. i'm glad that everyone i spoke to, end up come out with solutions, advises, and even physically helping me regarding my rayuan things. right at the moment, i know that there's nothing beyond repair. what i need to do is do my best for my rayuan and be gratitude over everything. that was the utmost important. i woke up the day after, Alhamdulillah i'm fine, i'm willing to do anything for seeking a happiness for myself. i know He has prepared something to me, that even bigger and of course the best. these days have been just hard for me but i'm glad that i regain some strength and motivation for me walking in this garden of  thorny roses. perceive misfortunes in some way leads us to another best path that we never think of. keep it subtle and be cool !